2015
I haven’t spoken with my mother or my brother in over a year. No need of feeling sorry for me, it’s typical and common for my family. But it still saddens me every day knowing that my relationship with my family is a big black hole. I keep telling myself that I can’t let it affect my life. I write this because I’m tired of letting it bother me. I choose not to speak with my mother and my brother chooses not to speak to me. I’m tired of feeling belittled by them. I remember a time in high school where my mother got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for over a year. And that made my brother and my father not to speak to me either. It was a difficult time for me. My whole family disconnected from me and acted as if I was DEAD. I would walk past them in the hallway and get phone calls from my friends (I remember my brother saying, “bitch, get the phone!”) and that would be my only communication from my family; Bitch, get the phone! At that time, I was angry with their actions and I rebelled. Smoking, alcohol, and drugs were my escape. I was walking by myself to puberty, thinking I knew everything. I was ONLY fourteen years old. Still today, I don’t know what I did to cause the silence, but it seems as if in my family, it becomes like a domino effect. If I anger one person in the household, the others will just follow and keep a distant. It feels like shit but everyone is raised differently.
Now I have my own children to raise. And I don’t want them to feel what I felt. But I can’t focus. I keep going off tangent and drift to my past nightmares. I write this thought because there are many people out there seeking love where there is none to sought for. People want what they cannot have. I don’t know why, but it seems like the nature of things. I wanted wavy hair, so I permed my hair; got the curls and now I want my straight hair back. We’re never satisfied, I am not satisfied. I want more! I wanted to feel loved by my family, I wanted them to love me unconditionally, I wanted them to give me hug and tell me that I’m worth it, that I’m special….But all I was thinking was what I wanted. How about what they wanted? I’m sure I wasn’t easy to raise and even a nightmare at times. I was a girl with rage. I don’t know. But the whole time, I wasted time on what I want. I wanted what others perceived as having love. Again, I would ask God, why he put me on this earth? Why he chose me to be born into this family? Others would tell me that time would heal the hurt. Some would tell me that life is too short. I feel exponentially lonely and vulnerable. Brene Brown states “The Power of Vulnerability” Being vulnerable is a good thing. Being vulnerable also represents ones whole heart.
As I struggle each day and life becomes harder to discover, I keep thinking to myself that my behavior can be negative towards my children. As I am showing my family that it’s okay to be vulnerable, sad, and lonely. It’s okay, cause mommy will get through this. And it shows that I’m not giving up and persevering. I keep reminding myself that my family is most precious in my life. I teach my children that no matter what they do and what they say to me, I will love them no matter what. I believe that what happens in ones childhood could be a detrimental and life breaking thing. That that one happening in ones past can change everything.
Until next time.