I am a second generation Korean American female that struggled terribly during my childhood and to my adulthood. In my family, my life was nonexistent. I was resented, unloved, neglected, and treated like a ghost from my biological parents. My father was a manic depressed, alcoholic during my whole life. My mother is a “narcissistic mother” whom never wanted me and told me that her greatest regret in life was having to stop breastfeeding my brother because I was born.
My life began in a very toxic environment and has effected my choices in life and has brought self doubt throughout my life. Ive tried multiple times to commit suicide, but somehow, it’s always failed on me. At the age of 20, I found ART. From there, my life and choices have changed and my art keeps evolving into something original. After I finish an artwork, I can release a part of tension that was broken and tarnished from my mangled heart. Then, a newfound of freedom and self love is unlocked for me to prevail and execute my next work of art.
Growing up in a muddled family, my brother, the “golden child” attended USC as I was told that my intellect will not allow me to attend any prestigious universities. I was called “babo” which means stupid in Korean. I was naively tricked that I did not need to take my SAT’s. As a child, I believed everything they conveyed to me. Later in life, I realized that I was deceived and it brought joy to them when any kind of aspiration came into my life and I gave them the power to demolish any good that came my way. I was my families punching bag. I struggled extensively from the trauma that I had endured because I thought that I was the poison that was savagely destructing the family. Then, later, after 37years of life, I realized that it was not me but rather I was surrounded with toxic people.
Eventually, I had persevered many obstacles from my life. After graduating high school at the year of 2000, I enrolled myself to FIDM, studied hard for Marketing and Product Development and graduated cum laude at a 3.8 GPA. Regretfully, I never attended that graduation because I foolishly let “my family’s word” jeopardize my future choices.
At the age of 20, something static happened. My life changed and I ferociously pursued my life as an artist. I ecstatically announced my newfound passion to my family, and they brutally laughed and impertinently told me I was crazy. Shockingly, for the first time in my life, I numbed them out and passionately started learning all about the ARTS. Creativity was not in my vocabulary, as I never drew as a kid, nor did any arts and crafts.
Anxiously, I took my passion for painting and drawing and started enrolling in all the art classes at a community college. I dedicated myself in so many art classes and studied about art night and day. I judiciously isolated myself with art. I forcefully wanted all the knowledge about art, artists, history…etc that time passed so quickly, that within 2 years, I have taken so many classes that I received an AA in Drawing and Painting. At 2003, Cerritos Community College awarded me “Student of the Year Curricular Art Award.” For the first time in my life, I felt pride and I knew this was my calling, passion, and purpose for my life. Since, I couldn’t afford to transfer to a prestigious university, I applied to only one school that was close to where I lived, California State University of Fullerton. From there, I graduated with a Deans List and received my BFA in 2007.
After graduation, I wanted to get experience, and produce series of artwork and only focusing on the purpose of my artwork. Merrily, 2007 was a dream and seemed effortless with all the upcoming events. The Bill Lowe Gallery in Santa Monica, CA had called me and asked me if they can represent me as one of their Artists, so I happily signed with them. A month later, TARFEST Festival of Film, Music, and art in Los Angeles CA, chose one of my art pieces “Choices” to be represented in the Korean Culture Center. Also, in 2007, I was chosen for an Artist Residency for two months and was the youngest artist to exhibit in “The Red Arrow Gallery” in Joshua Tree with two other artists. I was publicized in Korea Times, Los Angeles and an exclusive article about me as an artist in the Hi Desert Star in Joshua Tree News. In the last months of 2007 and first month of 2008, I was granted $600 to stay at Kimmel Harding Nelson Center in Nebraska for another artist residency. With the works that I produced at the residency, I was granted a $1000 honorarium, with a two month solo exhibition in Omaha, Nebraska at the Art Loft of Florence Mill. In 2009 I went to Madison, Wisconsin for another Residency and produced more than twenty works during my stay. At 2010, from those artworks, I was fortunate to be asked to show in a two artist exhibition in Stockton, California at the “LH Horton Gallery.” My artwork was hung throughout the gallery for a full month.
However, at 2009 I got married and had my first child at 2010 and my second child at 2012. My goal, my ultimate mission was for me to attend graduate school at UCLA or YALE. Since birth, I felt unwanted and my self worth was at the lowest. From 2012, I have accumulated many diseases that will be with me forever. From my traumatic upbringing , I now have been officially diagnosed with Lupus, Psoriatic Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, seizures, depression, anxiety and so much more. For the past 10 years of my life, I have devoted my life to my children, for I never wanted them to feel neglected or think Love is conditional.
Moving forward, my birthday is the hardest day of the year for me, because it was instilled in me since I was a child that I shouldn’t have been born and if anyone had a daughter like me, they would commit suicide. Yes, my own mother would say these horrific statements. And its daunting and devilish, but I have ART, where I express all my emotions through childhood and now with new mediums. Capturing the mixed media into a more fluid art by creating texture with encaustic, oil paint, pastels, watercolor, ink, and anything that I can manipulate into my ideal portrait’s, filled with depth, creativity, and love, for my viewers to grasp all the delicate details, to the powerful vibrant colors and engulfing texture. But I am 39 years old and my birthday just passed and my depression was steadily rising, and life became hard.
To be completely honest and conclude with the moral of my story is that MY children saved my life. On July 21, 2021, the day of my birth, I was so exhausted with life and felt as if I was a burden to my whole family! For the first time in my children’s eyes, they see mommy crying. And then something magical happened, my 9year old son, ran to his room and started reading me books, just like when he was a baby I would read him all the books about love, and no matter what, I would love him unconditionally. Then, my daughter whose 10 started reading to me everyday since then, every night until I fall asleep. Now, it’s my time!
I’m back with my artwork, and now it’s even more defined and more powerful than before. I’ve grown and matured as an artist. My new works are unique and attentively created.